sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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