I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
