i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
