What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
