I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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