If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
