I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize