Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
