the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
