Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
