She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
It's blow job season.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
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