my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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