On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
