when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
