I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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