I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Randomize
