Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
