my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
