oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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