I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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