i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
