I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
