Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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