How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize