My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
i've created a new STD.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
