Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
