My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
