Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
