I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
