i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
