i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
