I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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