He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
