I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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