the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
