My friends, they love my intelligence
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
