She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
