Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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