Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
