I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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