if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
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