there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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