Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
