who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
