I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Randomize
