Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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