U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
