I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
