I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
