the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
