my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Randomize
