Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
