So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Randomize
