no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
