I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
