My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize