It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
