I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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