My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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