So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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