What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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