saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
